What seems like a lifetime ago, I had my "spiritual awakening" at the young age of 19. It happened in a retreat experience in Park City, UT when I connected with a group of strangers in a way I had never connected with anyone before. The awakening felt like the purest form of love I had ever experienced, and looking back now I realize what I was feeling was a reconnection to my spirit and an experience of being one with all of life. Going into this retreat I was feeling very lost and depressed. I had no idea what to expect and what I found was the answer to my life's purpose.
To give you a little back story, I was raised in a very strict Patriarchal religion in Northern Utah, this religion is part of Fundamentalist Mormonism that practices Polygamy (one man, many wives). I am not going to share the whole story in this blog post, I would need a book for that. Today, I am only going to share with you what you need to know in order to fully understand the theme of this blog post, which is that "Love is Always the Answer." Being raised in this religion I was always told that I had a birthright, that I was special because I chose Jesus over Satan before coming to Earth, and that leaving this religion and giving up my brithright is a grave sin that may land me in hell when I die. There was always a part of me that knew there was so much more to this, but that programming had me living in an almost constant state of fear.
I knew as a young teenager that I did not want to marry into polygamy, and I was also strongly questioning even being in the religion. I was incredibly unhappy and life felt pretty meaningless to me, I had no idea what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. I felt trapped, like I couldn't share with anyone my true thoughts and feelings without getting into trouble, and this felt incredibly isolating and lonely. At some point, I decided I didn't want to be a part of that religion, but I was worried that being a good person meant I needed to be part of a religion. When I was 17 my best friend at that time left to join the LDS church (which is a little more modern and without polygamy). She asked me to go with her, but something inside me knew I didn't belong there either. I had no clue what to do, so when the opportunity to go to this retreat presented itself to me, and my mother miraculously said yes to my going (I think because she knew I was unhappy and that I needed something she couldn't give me), I took the leap!
In the days leading up to this retreat, I felt like I was floating in a cloud as if nothing was real and a huge sense of calm and peace came over me as if to tell me this is exactly the right path to walk. The retreat that started my journey is called "Inner Child" and it was a powerful turning point in my life. I realized when I was there that I didn't need to belong to a religion to be a "good" person or to be connected with God. I realized that I could create my own spiritual connection and speak to God directly without the middle man. I also realized I already had been communicating directly with God and just didn't trust myself or the answers I received. This was HUGE for me. What I needed was to walk a spiritual path of my own, and this was my jump start. The problem was that I was absolutely terrified to share that information with my parents, and there was still doubt within me that I was truly making the right choice for myself.
I continued going to a series of retreats, I couldn't get enough, I was like a sponge absorbing all of this newfound information that my spirit had been desperate for. I was having numerous "aha" moments, and information was activating within me that felt so familiar and true like I'd always known it. My intuition was kicked into high gear and I discovered many of my psychic abilities. I had almost completely decided this was the path I would keep walking, there was just that little bit of fear and doubt that whispered I was making the wrong choice. The deciding factor that finally pushed me off the edge into my new life, came at one of these retreats when I unknowingly answered my own question...
One of the assignments we were given was to write down a question we would ask "God" or the Creator if they were sitting in front of us. After I sat with it, I nervously penned my question: Am I making the right spiritual choices for myself and my life? ... The question was set aside in an envelope and the retreat proceeded. Another of our assignments was to go to nature and write a Poem or a Prayer that came through us. I ended up really enjoying this process and wrote a poem that flowed easily through me. I was very pleased with my result. Later on in the retreat, when we were all gathered together, our guide had us pull out our envelopes with the question and our poems/prayers. She then proceeded to tell us that what we wrote is the answer to our question. I can't tell you how incredibly magical it was to hear everyone read their questions and then their poems out loud. It was so moving and the answers so profound and perfect for each person. We were all in tears. I will never forget this day and these experiences that were life changing for all of us.
Below is my poem and the answer to the question I wrote that day so long ago, and it has also become the answer to every question I have asked since...
LOVE
Love is the healer of life in all forms
It's the guiding power that leads you through life's storms
Wherever you are, even if it's far
Love guides you home like a dark night's star
Love is like a song in the deep of the night
It gives you wings and helps you take flight
Love is the butterfly that flies through the sky
It warms your insides like a sweet hot cup of chai
Love is the green in the grass and the trees
It buzzes around like the flies and the bees
Love is a gift from my heart to yours
It guides you on your path and opens your doors
Love is a hug or a kiss when you need them
Love, My Friends, is the ULTIMATE freedom!
Comments